Fexmouth

/ˈfɛksməθ/

Category: Uncategorized

Tsukomogami

Nov 11, 2025 – 6:25 PM

While writing a paper on the types of societies that might exist in a zombie society, my gaming laptop crashed, and nothing we did could fix it. My trusted tech said that it was probably the chipset or the motherboard. Whatever it was, it was going to be expensive to fix and probably temporary. That’s the way gaming laptops go, he said. They are expensive, run hot, and live short lives. This was goodbye, he said. And though many people would take a lot more time trying to find solutions, especially given that this laptop was right around 2,000 USD when I purchased it only 3 years ago in 2022, I felt that it was time to let go. In any case, a gaming laptop is such a delicate thing, with all its guts compressed into a single mass. And they are made to be used in the most absurd and abusive ways. I certainly remember gaming and feeling like the thing was about to die, and die painfully, but it kept going, and going, and going…

This was especially true when I played Total War: Warhammer II. It chugged, even if I turned down the settings. I had to play at a lower resolution. But even when I played other games, if they were AAA, it would heat up considerably, even going above 100 sometimes. I know I shouldn’t have continued when it did that, but I did. It also sat idle on 60 degrees, even after it had been thoroughly cleaned and when I used a cooling pad. Those things are simply meant to be used in ways that are not healthy for electronics. They are made so small and delicate and slender, and then they tell us to use them in ways that would inevitably destroy them. That is beautiful, in a way, if they weren’t so expensive.

In any case, I bought a new PC. There is always a dopamine rush when we receive new things, especially expensive things. This PC cost a lot. It cost a bit more than even that laptop, but I expect that this will last me at least a decade, and even then the parts could be switched around, upgraded, and if something goes wrong then only the faulty part needs to be replaced.

A Lenovo Legion 5 – the model of my laptop

What I didn’t expect is how I felt about my laptop. I felt like we had more time. It had become a part of my day, and being with it made me feel almost as though I was with a friend. I had grown attached to it. The Japanese believe that, after 100 years, a thing develops a spirit: tsukomogami. In Western philosophy, we have something similar in panpsychism or vitalism. Philosophers of object-oriented ontology also believe that objects have a kind of “life” (although their terms and concepts are so obtuse that I am not convinced of their methods…). I have written before elsewhere that I find such ideas puerile and simplistic, but in an affective sense I do understand the impulse to bestow objects a kind of independent life or mind.

Like people, they begin to have their preferences. They do not say it, but these preferences are the things that, if done to them, would damage or destroy them. For example, my laptop did not being wet or being handled roughly. It did not like heat, although it produced a lot of heat, especially when it was doing what it was supposed to especially – in this way, it also had contradictory desires and drives the way a person or human subject would.

Photo by Beyzanur K. on Pexels.com

In this way, my laptop came alive to me. I supported it, and it did its job. And we have done many things together. He allowed me to enjoy many things. And he did all he could, before he could not do it anymore. I wish he had given me more signs of his failing health. It was all so sudden. The only signs I got was a single blue screen (which I thought was typical of any windows system, given that it was very, very rare) and my time & date being set incorrectly no matter how many times I synced it. This led me to believe for a bit that it was the cmos, but that did not turn out to be the case, as when we replaced the cmos battery, it did not come back to life.

I will miss that laptop fondly, even if I am now using a PC that has updated components. It is strange that way, but also I think something we all can relate to, regarding many different things. Especially things that we use often, and so serve us well.

I like to think that this PC is its reincarnation.

Hello, old friend. You look different. Stronger.

Let’s pick up where we left off.
Oct 26, 2025 – 10:47 AM

1. I feel sleepy all the time. I do not feel comfortable unless I am lying down with my eyes closed. And when I finally sleep my dreams are vivid, strange, and sometimes terrible. Last night, I dreamt that a bomb was set off in the house, as a result of a failed military test, and I watched as our dining room was totally engulfed in a flash fire behind the glass doors that separated it from the rest of the house. Our family got out, except for our helper, who was consumed by the flames until she was only a skeleton, which even then turned into ash.

I wake up, and I feel like today is going to be different. Today, I am going to be happy. I am going to play the games that I have been putting off playing, and I will enjoy them. Today, I will watch a movie, and I will feel the way I used to feel after reflecting, moved to write about my feelings. Curious about the world, about people, about what life was supposed to mean. But I spend an hour or two awake, and I only feel tired. And I feel like it was all so meaningless.

I am 33, the year Jesus started his ministry. At my age, God made flesh redeemed the world. And he was from a very low-income household, with no formal education. His genetics were exemplary of course, but I think in this case we are at the balance.

I wrote something for a friend the other day. He said: You should read up on how semicolons work. I haven’t been offended like that in a while. And when we went over it, it turned out that it was he who didn’t know how semicolons worked. He didn’t know that they connected two related independent clauses. He didn’t know much about grammar or style. It emphasized how I felt about people.

I despise stupidity. Which isn’t simply not knowing something. It is impossible to know everything; therefore, everyone has things they do not know. Plain ignorance becomes stupidity when pride gets in the way learning and understanding. Ultimately, stupidity is an aspect of pride. Selfishness.

2. Something I do all the time is play board games online. I love board games. My ex Fitzgerald was good at games, and if we were still together, I imagine we would spend a huge amount of time playing board games together. He was good to me. He was very good to me. And I wasn’t very good to him. That is the story of my life. Because although stupidity is an aspect of pride, and an aspect that I do not think I possess, I am guilty of pride, too.

And this pride has ruined my life in many, treacherous ways. When I was a child, of course, this was most apparent. I was prideful in a vulgar way: Boasting, lying, attention seeking. But in college my pride and intellectual vanity became more insidious. And when men loved me, I used that love to remind them, myself, and the world that I was better.

Now, I consider myself a little wiser. But it is too late for many things. Not too late for many other things, but certain doors have definitely closed for me. And certainly doors to the hearts of certain people. Recently, I found out that included Fitzgerald’s.

3. I remember that night. I don’t remember anything else but that moment, when I said what I said. It was a terrible, nasty thing. Not vulgar, and without expletives, but it was the truth. That was what made it terrible and nasty. But what was interesting to me was that, when he recounted it to my friend, he did not remember it perfectly. Or maybe he could not even say what I exactly said. Maybe he wanted to forget, and when he needed to conjure the memory it would not come perfectly.

Freud would more properly call this repression. There is a reason he forgot, or chose to forget, what I said. It makes me wonder what I’ve forgotten, and why.
Aug 10, 2025 – 10:26 AM

It’s hard to have friends. And to relate with people. It’s not easy, and it’s not inborn. And if you doubt that then you need only to observe children. Society, as a whole, and therefore our entire world as social beings, is defined by relationships. Not things, not concepts, not ideas. These things only come into play as a result of our relationship to each other. Take money—perhaps the singular thing that defines our lives, regardless of how materialistic you are. Money only matters, in terms of its value and the rules for determining its value, insofar as everyone acknowledges them. It is, so to speak, fiat. And even when money was not fiat, it depended still on the value we ascribe to gold—which, though rare and beautiful, is in any case simply metal.

Despite this, it’s hard. I look back at my 3 decades (so many, but in the scope of things about as pathetic as it is paltry) I’ve lost so many friends. If not through fights or squabbles then through changing sentiments or, simply, time. And the friends that I do have, I find very difficult to keep. I don’t have many now. It’s better that way, but it is also a matter of who I am, and how I am, that I find it very difficult.

I’m fussy and exacting. At time, I expect so much more of people than anyone could possibly be willing to give. Sometimes, I accept no excuses, no matter how valid they are. Many times, I impose standards that are inappropriate for a situation and berate people in my life for failing to meet them. All in all, I can be selfish and condescending. And it does improve with time, especially since slowly I am conquering the natural human impulses that are incompatible with mature relationships. It takes a lot to do that. Decades, maybe a lifetime. I struggle. But I think that’s a good thing. Most people do not struggle anymore to become better. To become more understanding, more patient, more considerate. They accept it.

Nowadays, that’s something of a cultural trend. We give ourselves permission to be insensitive or even cruel in the name of freedom of expression or mental health. It’s true that we need to change for those things, but there is a contingent of people who take it too far, many times without meaning to. People are inclined towards being selfish; it becomes a justification for them. As a whole, I think it takes something extremely radical for a human person to become truly virtuous or selfless. Something painful, traumatic. And this thing removes them from the human inclination for selfishness because it cuts them off from their own humanity. I do think that is what it takes.
Jul 28, 2025 – 11:24 AM

Recently I’ve been trying to do the things that I should do. Not “need” to do per se – I don’t really need to do anything. That’s a blessing. But there are things that I ought to do because, allegedly, those are my hopes and dreams. I am, in any case, 33. This year, I will turn 34. In six years I will be 40 years old. The prospect fills me with terror. I have done nothing with my life. Absolutely nothing with my life.

Many years I’ve believed that it was my mental illness. After all the medication and the therapy, I think I am at a place where everything is in place. And now that everything is in place, I think I have arrived at a place where I can say the mental illness has nothing to do with it. The reason I haven’t accomplished anything in my life is because I am incapable.

In six years, I will be a 40 year old queer who has accomplished nothing, done nothing, helped no one.

Category: Uncategorized

Tsukomogami